Depression. Anhedonia. Anxiety. Dissociation. Writer’s block. There are many explanations for the pause in my musical career, but all stemmed from one source.

I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), resulting from childhood trauma. For over a decade leading up to 2017, my career had stalled due to the manifestation of my symptoms.

I grew up in rural Wisconsin, United States. Growing up, music was a flight mechanism from my home environment. I performed in a variety of contexts, and when I went to university I enrolled in the Music Composition program at the University of Wisconsin. When composing, I was lost in these realms I was creating myself. My pieces were a space I could control.

In 2004, I began a master’s degree in music composition. I had finally escaped my abusive, nasty home life to find an abusive, nasty faculty. Rather than finding support and escaped, I found my very life questioned. By 2006, my composing had stopped, my musical career apparently finished.

Over a decade later, I find myself deep in recovery from C-PTSD.My recovery includes the recovery of my artistic voice; the recovery of my artistic voice includes the discovery of my literal voice through singing. As a survivor of trauma, I must create and discover the core of who I am. Performing as a singer is part of this discovery.

Trauma taught me to be closed and stoic. Singing teaches me to be vulnerable and emotional.

Trauma taught me to hide. Singing teaches me to be present.

Trauma taught me to ignore my body. Singing engages every part of my body.

Trauma taught me that I was worthless. Singing builds my self-esteem.

Singing has contributed to my recovery while drawing on my previous musical education. My compositions were filled with complexity and whimsy. I have taken on difficult repertoire with character and charm.

I have studied with Serge Grinkov since January 2018. I continue to develop as a singer under Serge’s tutelage, learning the Bel Canto tradition of operatic singing. I aim to continue to grow and integrate myself into Toronto’s musical community.